Electromagnetic Candy - Farscape's Bad Beginning

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August 27th, 2004

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03:48 pm - Farscape's Bad Beginning
This week's [info]farscapefriday challenge is to write a pastiche of a well-known author's style. I'm afraid what I came up with doesn't really qualify as a story, but I absolutely, positively could not resist.

260 words. And I'm not gonna cut-tag it because, frankly, I think it's a pretty good new-viewer pimp for the show. :)


The New Farscape Opening Narration, by Lemony Snicket

If you like nice, happy television programs where the hero always wins and everything is solved at the end of the episode with a heart-warming moral and a hearty laugh, then I am sorry to say that you should turn off your television right now, because Farscape is not that kind of show. This is because the hero of the show, John Crichton, an astronaut -- where "astronaut" in this context means "poor schmuck who went into space to test an experimental craft of his own design and got sucked into a wormhole and spat out on the other side of the galaxy" -- was many good and wonderful things, such as clever, adaptable, well-versed in American pop culture, and able to very nicely fill out a pair of leather trousers, but he was also a very unlucky man, and his adventures feature many unhappy, unpleasant, and downright unfortunate events. In the first season alone, I feel compelled to warn you, there are gun battles, large scary insects, muppets with disgusting bodily habits, and an extremely uncomfortable chair. And things only get worse after that.

If you have any sense at all, you will change the channel right now and watch something bland and pleasant which will not make you cry, such as Friends, or possibly America's Funniest Home Videos, avoiding all of the potential misery and distress before it happens.

But you are rapidly running out of time, because the opening credits are almost over. In fact, now they are over, and it is quite certainly too late.
Current Mood: [mood icon] amused

(Leave a comment)

Comments:

[User Picture]
From:[info]vilakins
Date:August 27th, 2004 03:57 pm (UTC)
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I've never read Lemony Snicket (except for a parody on FC) but that was great.

an extremely uncomfortable chair

LOL!
[User Picture]
From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:August 27th, 2004 04:39 pm (UTC)
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You should. They're brilliant books. :)
[User Picture]
From:[info]mtgat
Date:August 27th, 2004 06:07 pm (UTC)
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*snicker*
[User Picture]
From:[info]pinkdormouse
Date:August 27th, 2004 10:50 pm (UTC)
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Hmm, you've almost got me tempted.

Gina
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From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:August 28th, 2004 12:14 am (UTC)
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Oh, you should be. That description barely scratches the surface, you know. :)

(For the record, I'll happily copy episodes for anyone who wants to sample Farscape and can play NTSC tapes. :))
[User Picture]
From:[info]mistraltoes
Date:August 28th, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
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Very, very good (though I've only read blurbs for Lemony Snicket, it's still easy to see you've got the style). However, I feel compelled to point out that if somebody forced me to watch America's Funniest Home Videos, I'd be a great deal more likely to cry than if I watched Farscape.
[User Picture]
From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:August 29th, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
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Hmm, good point. They'd be a completely different kind of tears, though. :)
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From:[info]lady_smith
Date:June 1st, 2005 01:56 pm (UTC)
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I read this again and again, and it never fails to crack me up, even though I've NEVER read the books.

I'd like to use it to kick off my crack_van recs, please.
[User Picture]
From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:June 1st, 2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
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Heh. Glad you like it. And I do recommend the books, btw. They're a lot of fun.

I'd like to use it to kick off my crack_van recs, please.

As a rec, you mean? Um... feel free! Thanks. :)
[User Picture]
From:[info]lady_smith
Date:June 1st, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)
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They're on my "Read this whn you get a chance1" list. It is a Looooooooong list, but they're near the top...
[User Picture]
From:[info]lady_smith
Date:June 1st, 2005 02:27 pm (UTC)
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That reminds me... what would you like listed as your "website" on the profile at the top of the fic?
[User Picture]
From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:June 1st, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
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Um, I dunno. I don't really have one for fic, and my homepage is boring and hideously out of date. I'd say the LJ, but if you use my userid'll it'll already link to that. I suppose you could pimp my blog if you felt like it.
[User Picture]
From:[info]lady_smith
Date:June 1st, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
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Done and DONE.
[User Picture]
From:[info]rubberneck
Date:June 1st, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC)
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So glad it was recced on the 'van, because how did I miss this the first time around!?

In the first season alone, I feel compelled to warn you, there are gun battles, large scary insects, muppets with disgusting bodily habits, and an extremely uncomfortable chair. And things only get worse after that.

I love the droll origami-fold of this particular line, that tongue-in-cheek innocuous chair...
[User Picture]
From:[info]kyanoswolf
Date:June 1st, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
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It is so dead on to the "Lemony Snicket" style and I can hear Jude Law reciting this. Not to mention that it captures "Farscape" to a "T."
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From:[info]bkwyrm
Date:June 1st, 2005 06:53 pm (UTC)
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Dear LORD, that was funny.
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From:[info]kernezelda
Date:June 3rd, 2005 11:56 am (UTC)
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Hmm. I see. This is a fiendishly clever way to get me to find and read this Lemony Snicket person.

You have succeeded admirably.
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From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:June 3rd, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
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Yay! :)
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From:[info]xamphira
Date:June 4th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
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Excellent!
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From:[info]casirafics
Date:June 7th, 2005 08:38 am (UTC)
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Oh, so terribly, terribly apt. :) Fantastic.
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From:[info]terimaru
Date:June 10th, 2005 04:57 am (UTC)

I'm so loving this

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I am just happy to be here. I've been away and have missed John and Aeryn very much. I never missed an episode of Farscape, even when the writers were on crack and needed to be slapped really hard.

I loved this fic. Daniel Handler would be proud I think. Keep up the good work.
From:[info]ch1pper
Date:January 13th, 2006 07:46 pm (UTC)
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Bwahahah!! This is fabulous astro.

able to very nicely fill out a pair of leather trousers

This was awesome!
[User Picture]
From:[info]moireach
Date:October 5th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC)
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This may be the most hilarious thing EVER WRITTEN omg.
[User Picture]
From:[info]astrogirl2
Date:October 5th, 2006 07:45 pm (UTC)
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Thank you, although Mr. Snicket probably deserves most of the credit. :)

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